Day 320

Putting Myself Out There

So becoming a coach is like not being able to swim, and standing at the deep end of a pool contemplating diving in–will I sink or swim?

There are so many anxieties around this whole process. I had my first teleclass today and it was pleasant, but I couldn’t help comparing myself to the other trainees. They all seemed to have coaching experience, and the instructor talked as if we were all experienced coaches. It was intimidating at first, but I took a deep breath and said, just listen and learn, which was great because the class was about powerful listening.

After the class, as part of the graduation requirements, I had to post my reflections on the course forum. Not knowing exactly what to do, I just created a new post and wrote about my impressions, sharing the reflections from the class module. Shortly after that, I messaged two potential peer coaches, and introduced myself to my study group. The whole time I felt vulnerable and exposed. I kept thinking, “Am I doing this right?”

With no clear guidelines as to what to do and how to proceed, this process is a bit scary. However, it is good. I am autonomous. There’s nobody saying how I should do this; I know the requirements; I just need to fulfill them in my way. It’s finding my way that is anxiety inducing.

Venturing into new territory sheds light on so many uncomfortable truths. My inner children are screaming for my attention. I hear them, but I am not quite ready to meet their needs. I’m frozen by fear.

I know I have the tools I need to integrate these parts of myself I had abandoned, or that are trapped in the past due to trauma. I know what to do, but I’m rusty. When I started this journey I delved deep into the recesses of my psyche almost every day, but now, I avoid those unexplored parts of myself. It will be like starting for the first time.

Well, the vacation’s over. Time to get back into the swing of things; time to make my needs a priority. Time to get to work.

It’s a labor of love of course. More to come.

Peace.

Day 319

110 days later…

I’m back after a very long impromptu hiatus. To those of you following this blog, I apologize for my absence. Life just got really busy.

Where to begin? Well, my aunt passed away in November. I went to her memorial service, which was beautiful. It was a family reunion of sorts. My three siblings and I spent some time together after what must have been years. My decision to go to the memorial was a last minute one, but after hearing my mother describe her plans for the ceremony, I knew in my heart that I would regret not being there to see it, so two weeks before the service, I did what I could to be there. It was only for a weekend (I left on Friday night and returned on Monday night). I’m glad I gave myself permission to go back. It strengthened my sense of self-love allowing myself to honor my aunt’s memory with my relatives.

On top of my aunt passing away, my daughter started really struggling in school.  She can’t seem to learn the material, and she has trouble paying attention, staying in her seat, and working with her classmates. My husband and I think she has ADHD, and we’ve had her talk to a counselor, who confirms our suspicion; however our counselor is not qualified to diagnose our daughter in Japan because she was licensed in California. Anyway, we’ve been trying to get her evaluated by someone who is qualified, but up until recently, we were under the impression that the process started with her school making a referral.

After several meetings over the course of three months, I have recently found out that we were wrong about that. In fact the school has no authority in the matter. I wish I had known that weeks ago. I was so frustrated and disheartened by the whole thing. But that’s water under the bridge now.

The experience with my daughter’s school and my aunt’s passing has made it clear to me that I have got to stop talking about change and actually do something. So, I recently enrolled in an online program for coach training. In about a year and a half, I am going to be a certified coach. Not sure what that is going to look like, but I feel that it is a step in the right direction.

On the one hand, I’m excited to try something new and learn new skills that won’t just be valuable for a new career, but also for my own personal growth. On the other hand, I’m terrified that I may have chosen a career that may not support my family. Becoming self-employed is a risk, but then again, so is being employed by a company. Nothing is ever really guaranteed.

It’s hard to believe there are more days behind me than in front of me on this journey of self-love. As I look back, I feel that I have learned a lot about myself and what I want in my life. I’ve given myself permission to be flawed, to listen to my inner voice, and to trust my heart, and to walk my path even when it feels unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Looking forward, I can see there is still so much I need to learn, but I am optimistic about my future. There are only 46 more days left on this journey, and even if it is just a few lines, I am going to write something on every one of these remaining days.

I’ve just started my coach training, and I have a couple months before I start teaching again. There’s no telling what could happen between now and day 365, but I have a feeling it’s going to be great!

Day 209

This Too Shall Pass

My aunt is dying. Well, at least that is the report I get from my mom when I talk with her. The other day we had a tearful conversation about my aunt’s condition. It looks pretty bleak, but I believe strongly that there is still hope, but I am still learning how to communicate this to my mother and more importantly to my aunt.

My mother and cousins had a meeting with the team of medical professionals who have been taking care of my aunt. The doctors say there isn’t any more they can do for her. Her internal organs are dying because they are not getting any blood. There is nothing they can do to stop this.

I believe that when you’re fighting for your life and the doctors have done all that they can do, turning to the spiritual world is one avenue to take towards healing. Mediation has proven to be effective for pain management and depression, and I believe that with guidance one can go within to find the answers to problems manifesting themselves physically. However, I am still learning how to gain the confidence necessary to share this with my loved ones.

Part of me feels like these possibilities are known to my mother, my aunt, and my cousins. After all, they live in a place where it is rare to find someone who is not aware of  spirituality, yoga, and alternative medicine. I think that if I say something they might interpret my behavior as being self righteous or presumptuous. Moreover, I feel that it is not my place to offer feedback or help where it hasn’t been requested.

Years ago I made a promise to myself that I would not help others unless they asked me, that I would only say, “if you need anything please ask me,” and leave it at that when I see someone struggling or suffering. I made this promise because I believe we all have it within ourselves to solve our own problems, and that is my way of standing by what I believe.

Well, my aunt is dying, and they are thinking about transitioning to hospice care. So it is difficult for me to hold my tongue. I want to say there is still a way to turn this around. Embrace the pain, the disease, and learn from it, but again, it is not my place; it is not my choice. Instead, I choose to offer emotional support, and make my presence known. That is all I will do, and that is enough.

As is my habit when faced with difficult decisions and tasks, I ask the question, “What would someone who loved themselves do?” The answer is, “Be there. Be available. Have faith that whatever is happening or is going to happen is part of my aunt’s path. Accept it. Learn what I can from it, and allow myself to feel, to grieve, and to hope. And remember, this too shall pass.”

To those of you who read this, if you are facing a similar situation, I wish you peace and the strength to find acceptance.

Day 199

An Uncomfortable Truth

Last Friday, I met with my daughter’s teacher along with the Vice Principal and the teacher’s aide that helps my daughter stay focused in class twice a week. I don’t think any parent wants to hear that their child isn’t adjusting well to school life. I certainly didn’t want to be sitting opposite stone faced administrators reporting to me their concerns with my daughter’s behavior and the fact that she was way behind her peers in reading and writing as well as math. I really just wanted to be somewhere else, anywhere else than in that room.

However, it happened, my daughter is behind, and worse, she doesn’t seem to be happy at school at all. At home she seems happy, but at school from the description they gave me, she’s restless and has a hard time focusing or following directions. I won’t go into too much detail, but basically, the school told me that they wanted to know how best to help Naomi. I didn’t have an answer. Neither did they.

I left that meeting feeling frustrated, angry, sorrowful and guilty. I was frustrated and angry because my daughter’s educators didn’t seem very helpful at all. They seemed to be looking for the answers from me. I was also angry with myself for not preparing my daughter for first grade. All the other mothers had taught their children two of the three Japanese writing systems from the time they turned three, so Naomi’s peers were already reading and writing when they started school. Naomi started at square one. I was angry at myself for not getting her started sooner, and I felt sad because her struggles could have been prevented. I felt like an utter failure as a mother.

I spent most of Friday night feeling sorry for myself and beating myself up. I hardly slept, but I forced myself to be productive the next day. I reminded myself that it was a new day and the past was in the past, and that the present was all that mattered. I wrote down all of my emotions, the anger, the frustrations, the fear, the regret, the guilt, the forgiveness, the love, and finally the hope. I came out of the darkness into the light facing an uncomfortable truth along the way. It was the answer to why things had come to this, and the answer, though painful and hard to accept was simply that I had neglected my daughter.

As a parent, I do my best, but I feel like I spend most of my time trying to keep my head above water, and I usually succeed a fraction of the time. The rest of the time, I’m focusing on the immediate needs–providing sustenance, shelter and clothing for my family, and getting my daughter to her various appointments making sure she gets her homework done, and attending to my infant son. In my struggle to survive, I’ve missed out on spending quality time with my growing daughter. She’s maturing and growing and experiencing life but I haven’t been present for most of it.  Sure, I’ve been there, but my mind has been else where obsessing over things that didn’t get done or still needed to get done, but rarely on what was happening in the moment.

Being mindful and being present seems to be the lesson I am meant to learn these days. Almost every struggle I encounter is a direct result of not being present. I read in “Living Enlightenment” that the past is dead and we should let go of the past to be free of suffering. I have decided to take this to heart, so I have forgiven myself for not being present in my children’s lives thus far. I have let go of the sorrow and regret that goes with that, and now I am stepping into the present with my eyes wide open and my mind focused on the here and now.

It won’t be easy and I am sure to slip up, but the uncomfortable truth of my neglecting my daughter taught me the importance of being present. It is the knock on the head I needed to get motivated to commit to being present. Tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning, and the unveiling of a new truth–I only have the present moment, and I am going to claim it with all my heart.

 

 

Day 196

Love, Compassion, and Validation: A Declaration of My Life’s Purpose

Love

I love. It is as natural and as easy as breathing. I don’t need a reason. Love to me is a life affirming energy that surrounds us. It flows through me and in me. I am uplifted and driven by love.

Compassion

I recognize and appreciate the divine in all people. I believe that there is greatness in us all. Although we experience life differently, we all have the tools to find lasting peace and happiness. When I see others struggling, I want them to know that they have the power to turn their suffering into something positive. I want them to remember that pain can be an excellent teacher if we are willing to listen, learn, grow, and expand. I will be present with any and all people suffering, and I will wait quietly gently reminding you that pain is not forever and “This too shall pass.”

Validation

I believe that everyone matters. Everyone has a place in this vast universe. Our worth does not stem from our intellect, our wealth, or our contribution to human progress. We are worthy because we are; we exist. We are enough.

This is why I am on Earth. I am here to love, to show compassion, and to remind people that they matter.

So, I may not have met you, but I love you. You matter, and I’m happy you are here in this universe with me.

 

 

 

Day 187

On the 39th Anniversary of My Birth

Today marks the end of my third decade and the beginning of my fourth. I have so much for which to be grateful. I have listed the lessons I’ve learned so far, and the lessons I look forward to learning in my next decade.

I have learned that

It all comes out in the wash

Happiness is a state of mind, and lasting happiness comes from within

I have all the tools necessary to solve any problem in my life

I have complete control over how I interpret a situation

I am surrounded by love

There is beauty and worth in every experience

Pain is an effective teacher when you are a curious student

The shadows aren’t so frightening when you have the courage to dive deep

Gratitude is everything

I am looking forward to learning what

Awareness feels like and its effects on my life

A silent mind feels like

Patience looks like

It means to truly shape my existence

It means to completely trust in God, the Universe, Source…

A sustainable healthy diet and lifestyle feels like and its effects on my life

I will be like as a leader

 

May you find the awe of little things like the sun’s rays shining through green leaves glistening with rain water.

 

 

Day 185

Something’s Not Quite Right

At my job, I am a member of a committee that is in charge of thoughtful gestures, such as congratulating someone on the birth of a child or saying farewell to staff and teachers who are leaving. One of the teachers in our office has been having health issues. She walks with a cane, and she’s in a lot of pain and has been missing classes or coming in late to classes. I was concerned, and asked the members of the committee if they felt there was anything we could do to help her. To this inquiry both replied, “Aren’t we already helping her out? People help her when they see that she needs it. What more can be done?” This is a great question. What more can be done?

I thought about it, and I realized that there really isn’t more that can be done. The teacher in question keeps to herself, chats with different teachers on occasion, but for the most part, her presence is pretty scarce. She has chosen to lay low and not be present in the office, so there really isn’t more that we can do.

So why is my inner voice telling me more can be done? I guess I feel like she is on the periphery of our community. People treat her well, but I don’t feel that we really reach out to her. I guess I’d like for us to do more than just hold the door for her, or carry her books when she goes to class. I guess I’d like us to care more about her, but to do so would be an invasion of her privacy and rather meddlesome.

So this is where I have to delve deep. Is there a part of me that needs care? Am I projecting? This is something to explore because having voiced my concern and gotten the feedback I did from my committee members, I feel a little foolish. This whole thing; my desire to spread love and compassion every where I go just seems off. It just doesn’t seem quite right.

So now what? I’m feeling really lost, and out of my element. Is this really my path? Is this really what I want to be doing? I honestly do not know.

Well, I’m definitely not giving up. This was my first attempt at following my heart. I knew it wouldn’t be easy and that there would be false starts and non-starters in the case of the teacher, and that the awkwardness is part of the journey.

Today was a bit of a disappointment. I had low energy and I just felt off. I’m not sure what that means, but I think I will just sit with it and see what this discomfort has to teach me.

Wishing you all the very best.

 

Day 184

Walking the Path

On Saturday, I watched “Tony Robbins: I’m Not Your Guru”  on Netflix. From the beginning, I was in tears. I think I cried more watching what was actually an uplifting documentary about the work Tony Robbins does than I have at any sad movie I’ve ever seen, although the Japanese animation “Grave of the Fireflies” is still the biggest tear jerker I’ve seen, but the moving and motivating “Tony Robbins: I’m Not Your Guru” had me in tears on multiple occasions.

The documentary follows Robbins and a select few of the participants in an annual six-day self-help retreat that takes place in California and costs more than most people’s monthly salary to attend–well, at least it’s more than my monthly salary! Anyway, it’s a spectacular event, with music, tears, shouts of joy and elation, and shocked expressions when Robbins uses strong and taboo language to “wake people up.”

Watching what looked like hundreds (maybe about a thousand) of people discovering their personal power and their purpose in life, made me think about my own path, and I realized, I haven’t been walking it. I’ve been meditating on it, blogging about it, talking about it, and planning around it, but I have not been walking it. What’s stopping me?

I think it’s my fear of abandonment. I don’t want people to look at me sideways when I follow my heart and do and say things that are seen as new agey psychobabble that is a little too Kumbaya for most people. I’m all about being compassionate and loving, expressing our feelings, being authentic, and connecting to others on a deeper level than shared opinions about sports, movies, or politics. However, I’m afraid if I start advocating that and start walking the path and behaving the way my heart tells me too, I will be seen as flaky and out of touch with reality. So I keep my head down and I quietly secretly go about my life without sharing my ideas with the people in my life.

Well, starting now, I’m not going to hide the fact that I care about people, and when I see people suffering, I am going to do something or say something. I won’t be good at this right off the bat, but at least I am going to swing. Even if I strike out, I’m going to get right back out at bat and adjust my stance, and form and keep swinging until I hit a home run. This is the beginning of me walking my path. I’m a little afraid, but I am more interested in seeing how this is all going to play out.

If you are walking your path, I commend you. If you are thinking about walking your path, or haven’t found your path yet, I support you. Let’s take this journey together. I imagine it will be brilliant, and even if it isn’t what we expected, it will be better than what we are doing now.

181

Different Motivation, Same Trap:Will Exchanging Fear for Joy Still Result in More Suffering?

Until recently, most of my decisions have been fear based. I chose to stay in Japan because I was afraid of poverty, for example, but since I made a commitment to love myself, I have made decisions based on whether or not the result will make me happy. So now I am no longer motivated by fear, but rather happiness or the prospect of happiness or joy. This feels like a better way to live, but is it? Am I not replacing one external motivational factor for another albeit more pleasant motivator?

According to Sangha, attaching joy or pain to an object, person, situation, or place is a demonstration of greed or fear. He explains in Living Enlightenment that people are either motivated by fear or greed, both of which leads to suffering. He writes that even if one reaches their desired situation or goal, one always wants more. This is the nature of the different types of karma we carry with us, according to Sangha. Our karma drives us to complete experiences that we did not complete in previous lives.

I don’t subscribe to everything Sangha teaches. To me, like so many other beliefs based solely in the unseen and the mysterious, these statements are to be taken with a grain of salt, especially when heaven and hell and punishment start entering into the picture. I don’t know why but I distrust those ideas. To me, they seem entirely too human fraught with judgment and categorizing different behaviors as good or bad. I imagine that a higher power would be above or perhaps unconcerned with such base notions as reward and punishment, but I digress.

What I mean to say is that I believe that it is not ideal attaching my joy to things like where I live and whom I love. I believe that happiness is a state of mind and that one should be happy no matter where they are or what they have or with whom they are. However, I cannot ignore the desire I have that compels me to leave Japan and go back to Colorado. The force that drives me is neither fear nor greed, but inspiration. It feels like my higher self is calling me out of Japan and back to Colorado as if there is something I am meant to do there. Therefore, I am not so sure my motivations are driven entirely by greed.

This could be a form of rationalization. I could be justifying my need to be close to family, to feel loved and accepted with lofty sounding reasons like being compelled by something bigger than myself. This too can be entirely a construct of my mind. However, as the Buddha said, there is nothing but the mind. It’s all an interpretation of reality and I don’t think I will ever really know what reality is. However, that does not concern me.

What concerns me is my own peace of mind and getting to the point where I am comfortable in my own skin. I want to walk with my head held high in any and all situations. I want to be okay with L’Shawn. I want to look at my image in the mirror and be filled to the brim with love and respect for the vision shining back at me. I want to be content with my life and accepting of the choices I have made.

That’s where I am now. I am in a space where I need to create a different more positive and uplifting narrative for my life. I need to believe the universe or something bigger than me is in my corner and making things possible for me because whether that is true or not it makes it possible for me to take risks and follow my desires despite my fear of failure or abandonment. So whether or not changing one motivator for another will result in more suffering remains a mystery, and for now I’m okay with that; for now, I’m getting used to seeing the world through a lens of possibility.

May you find joy in whatever you do or just within your eternal self.

179

I think, therefore I’m Not Aware: How My Mind Keeps Me Locked in the Past

So in the latest chapter in Living Enlightenment, Nithyananda writes about thoughts and how they are random and illogical. He explains that the pain and joy we felt two years ago is different from the pain and joy we felt yesterday, but we interpret them as connected although they are not. He writes about “unclutching,” which I think is disconnecting from the emotions and thoughts we experience and viewing them as isolated incidents and nothing more. I interpret this as viewing each of our experiences as experiences that are unique and self contained and not connected in any way.

Nithyananda defines “unclutching” as a state of consciousness. He uses the analogy of driving a car. Being conscious or aware is like a car in neutral. As with driving a car and changing gears, being in neutral is being aware, and being aware is understanding that all experiences are new and unrelated. It is the mind that takes the experiences of the past and connects them creating a narrative of our lives and our identities. To be aware is to be completely present and to realize that thoughts and the emotions evoked by those thoughts are random, unique that do not speak to our natures. Our thoughts and our identities, and other attachments are illusions. So, when we think, when we use our minds to perceive reality, we are actually unaware and we are not conscious. Our minds provide us with interpretations of our experiences and those thoughts are a source of suffering.

I spend a lot of time lost in thought so much so that at times I find myself in the middle of conversations or in situations in which I have no idea what is going on. I also base a lot of my idea of who I am and where I am going on what I have done and where I have been as if that determines what I am capable of and where I can go. This has been a source of suffering for me, and it wasn’t until I forgave myself for things I did or did not do and gave myself permission to move on that I have been able to open myself up to other possibilities for myself. So the idea of “unclutching” and becoming aware resonates with me. It feels like liberation.

Since I have begun to practice being present, I am suddenly more open to the unknown because now everything is unknown. I am committed to doing everything as if it is the first time because this prepares me for other new situations and experiences. I commute to work using the same route, but I look at things differently each time. I concentrate on my five senses to keep myself out of my own thoughts, and when I find myself thinking about other things, I gently remind myself to concentrate on the sounds, scents, sights, and textures around me. When I do this, I experience things differently, and I am much more relaxed and I feel happier.

This has not only transformed my perception of daily experiences, but it has also altered my perception of the future. For example, for several years, I have wanted to work with my mother in her non-profit organization. Some of my fondest childhood memories are from my time spent there and I love it there, and I’m drawn to it. When I think about the prospect of working there, I feel blissful. However, I did not trust it because it was my mother’s thing. So I ignored my desire to pursue that path. I believed it was my inner child seeking approval from my mother. I did not trust it. However, once I ignored those thoughts that were tied to my past and opened my heart to the idea, I realized that working with my mother was in alignment with my path, and I no longer doubted the motivation behind my desire to work at my mother’s organization.

I also changed my perspective of the situation. Once I adopted the idea that “Everything is possible for me,” I realized that all paths were open, I just needed to choose one. I also realized that choosing one path could lead me to something beyond my expectations. I read about desires in Living Enlightenment and Nithyananda explains that true desires do not evoke anxiety. One does not feel anxious about one’s desires. True desires are in alignment with our paths, and therefore everything we do every choice we make will lead us to our desires. I’ve meditated on that idea, and I realize that what is attracting me to the prospect of working with my mother may be leading me to something beyond that perceived goal.

Although I am compelled to work with my mother, there may be something else I am meant to do and that working with my mother and the steps I must take to prepare myself for that possibility will reveal something else of which I am not aware. At this point, I am trusting my higher self. I am trusting that the part of me that is pure energy and that is connected to something bigger than myself is leading me in the direction I am meant to go. This is a decision based on faith, and I am exhilarated by it.

So now despite the fear that I might be doing the wrong thing, I move forward taking a new direction. As I move down this path, I am committed to keeping an open mind, unclutching and remaining present. Although I have a history with my mother, I will approach every encounter as if I am seeing her for the first time. I will acknowledge any emotions that arise as I embark on this leg of my journey while staying true to my decision to approach this with a learner’s mind. I am excited to see what this reveals.

May you find your path, and if you are on your path, may you find bliss there.